Monday, August 29, 2016

Imperial Transmission #2

Despite many glorious Imperial victories in the Eastern Fringe, and the tireless work of the Commissariat, rumors persist of the alien Tau and their so-called frightening technology. Such lies are nothing more than the salacious rantings of cowardly xenos sympathizers seeking to spread fear and dissension. So fear not, loyal Guardsman – remain steadfast in your duty, for today we bring you the truth.
helm.png
Owing to their ugly, odd shaped xenos heads, the Tau are forced to wage war in helmets with only a single eye lens. This moronic design flaw renders their depth perception patchy at best. The Tau are unable to properly judge distances or relative sizes, making their shooting wildly inaccurate. Should a shot strike you then you have simply been unlucky. Perhaps you have been lax in your devotion of late – regular prayer will ensure the Emperor protects you form such ill fortune.
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In further news, it has recently been proven beyond doubt that Tau technology is inferior to our own. Battlefield tests have shown that Tau laser technology is far inferior to that of your trusty lasgun. Their rifles cannot even pierce our fatigues, let alone break the skin. Guardsmen Atkin of the 17th Brimlock Dragoon encountered the Tau on Yaisdra IX and had this to say:
‘We were hunkered down in an old refinery when those cowards ambushed us. Dozens of ’em. Their weapons flashed out towards us, and they were bright for sure. Bright as a flare. But we felt nothing. Just these dots of light dancing over us.’
xenos-weaklings
And shmistakeould you ever find yourself outnumbered by the Tau, you need only remember that you are in peak physical condition, while most Tau are too feeble to support their own body weight and must be carried around the battlefield in barely-stable mechanical suits.
So fear not Guardsman, the Emperor stands with you.
*Courtesy of the Regimental Standard